Life: An Open-Ended Question

And here I am, sitting in my bed, in my lowly lit bedroom, writing again. The truth is that I have been too shattered to find a space to face my insides the way I used to. Bold. Brave. The way Didi knows how. Why? Well, my insides have been (and to some degree still are) recovering from a heartbreak. My heart exploded in such a way that the shattered pieces went in all kinds of directions, I suspect I will still find some shards of glass hiding away in some obscure places, I will leave the discovery of these to future encounters. But, for now, I am okay enough to be here writing. For that I am thankful.
I don’t even know where to begin with sharing the biggest chunk of what has been causing the heartbreak, so when I find myself lost as to where to begin I just dive in. So here goes… I lost 2 very important people in my life in a space of 2 weeks in the month of March. One was a trusted and well loved and cared for friend and the other was a lover who I had shared countless hours and weeks, amounting to months nurturing and being nurtured by.

The loss of a friend

The thing about friendships is that they seem a lot more “mendable” than intimate relationships. That’s my take at least. There is this feeling that I can work anything out with friends because there is no physical contact that could potentially manipulate and sway my emotions. Hugs can try but they just don’t have the power that intimate physical contact has. My friend and I probably actually ended our friendship months ago, perhaps I was a fool sitting with an extended arm in an imaginary room, with an open door, a door that I was waiting to see my friend walk back through so that we could talk, fight, cry, laugh, do whatever it was that we needed to do in order to mend the tears we had collectively created in the fabric of our friendship (more and more I find that my strongest friendships are the ones where the fabric is made up of patches of sewn up holes. They have texture. Those friendships are the ones I value most. Never did I think I would admit that in writing, but here I am.)
I sat in that room, arm extended, aching from the strain, with an open door for all of 4 months but my friend never walked back in. Once I had begun accepting that he would never walk back in I began a process of figuring out how best to go about being okay with not having him be a part of my life, after seeing him every day of my life for over a year. It was painful, heart-wrenching, nonetheless, acceptance was needed here, and so was unclenching my sweat-drenched fists and gently releasing my feelings, thoughts, missed opportunities of words that could have been shouted, vomited, said or written. They had to be let go of – a necessary first step towards any level of acceptance. Once I began unclenching my fist and letting go of all the “unsaids” and “could-have-dones” I began feeling my own power returning to me in all its essence. The power that allows me to unapologetically feel and know that I am allowed to be sad, angry and upset about how things have unfolded. That it’s completely okay to feel whatever my heart wants to feel about how the chips have fallen. I am allowed to.

The death of a love once shared

A space we both entered into courageously. Knowing full well that in order to stand any chance of seeing each other, kissing, touching, holding one another we would need to overcome a distance that would take a flight lasting between 11 and 12 hours. I loved him. I don’t know how I know it. I can’t measure it nor can I prove it, but somehow I know that I did. Without a single doubt in my mind I know I loved him. Nothing will ever shake that deep knowing. The relationship was a short course, a crash course of sorts, which ended in an unbelievable crash-landing resulting in a heart ripped open on the runway, bleeding uncontrollably, an aura dripping with sadness and devastation & a new kind of darkness I never knew I could reach. (For a moment the concept of suicide didn’t seem quite so outrageous). The file labelled “lessons learnt from being in this long distance relationship” is currently being put together, I imagine I will keep adding to it throughout my life. Isn’t that how it works? We never truly know what we have learnt until we are faced with opportunities to put our past pains to good use.

Life is an open-ended question

According to the internet “An open-ended question is designed to encourage a full, meaningful answer using the subject’s own knowledge and/or feelings.“
Perhaps I do hold somewhat of a clear list of “lessons learnt” but am too scared to begin to unpack them, certainly not here, not right now. However what I will share is that the hardest thing about losing both the lover and friend is that I was left with feelings of being unlovable, the feeling that I was only loveable when I had a bright smile, a pocket full of jokes, enough rays of sunshine to power a solar-powered household for a year, but not worth the trouble and time when my darkness showed itself, when I myself needed those rays of sunshine I so happily handed out, when I was bursting at the seams, then I was reduced to a burden too heavy to carry, a burden so easily discarded and dumped.

A note I discovered whilst cleaning the mess my broken heart left inside me

With my increasing amount of years on this planet I have found that conflict is an opportunity to engage with something that wants to be discovered and worked with, something that emerges, and something that was previously invisible and is now brave enough to make itself visible to our eyes and hearts. I am intrigued by conflict and what it asks of us.

I am a seeker, a searcher, a curious mad-woman.

searchersImage found here ---> (Click here)
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Important things for Didi to remember…

This weekend marks the first gasp of breathe upon reaching the shore after a long, deep swim in the waters of hard work.

What better way to unwind and reflect than to spend a weekend in a wonderful wooden home on a mountain overlooking the sea?

A busy train ride to the seaside transported me to a totally different space. One of the things I appreciate most about this place I call home. That it is possible to hop on a train and be by the seaside.

This weekend highlighted to me some really important things. Things that I very often forget and take for granted. Here’s my top 5 list of important things for Didi to remember:

  • Surround yourself with strong women: Powerful women replenish my energy levels, they hold a deep understanding like no other. Remember to connect with them in order to remember that which you forgot that you have forgotten.
  • Drink Tea: There is some ancient wisdom that comes in each tea-leaf. This wisdom enters through your taste buds and stays and restores some kind of calm. (I discovered PMS tea this past weekend. What a wonderful invention, made up of a concoction of wholesome herbs)
  • Read a book: In my rush of getting things done, I have been reading loads, staying up late cramming into my brain; information about some serious topics to be used in my daily work. This weekend I packed a book I bought in Belgium that has been lying patiently by my bedside, wishing me goodnight and goodmorning each day for months. We re-connected again. I had lost touch with how good it feels to travel to some other place, using words and the imagination as a decorated vehicle.
  • Sunsets are a free reset button and sunrises are a reminder of the blank canvas that is each new day: A kind, gentle reminder to breathe and let it go. Let it go. Whatever has happened has happened and the only way is forward. Let it go.
  • Long baths offer some healing for the body and soul: I’ve mentioned in this Blog a few times before; the power of healing that water holds. I was very quickly and beautifully reminded of that by taking a wonderful hot bath with oils this weekend. I want a bathtub! I’m not sure how. But I do!

The last 3 days have been a gift from heaven, thank you to my beautiful friends for this. Next week is more of the same with a different pocket of friends and the next week sees me playing bridesmaid for a good friend of mine who is marrying another really good friend of mine. How lucky! I am nervous and excited. Mainly nervous because I don’t know if I’ll fit in the dress…eeek! Time to get jogging!

November looks like it will be the soft bed I’ve been fantasizing running home to jump up and down on!

businessman-jump-sky-clouds

Okay, Okay, more like….

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Source of image 1 – here

Source of image 2 – here

More about the work I have been immersed in in the next post…

I am grateful for pain because…

I am grateful for all that I have come across in this life. Pain being one of those not so common things to have on the “I’m thankful for this” list.

So here comes why…

I am thankful for pain because it gives me a different lense for life,

I am thankful for pain because it allows me to be fully human,

I am thankful for pain because it helps me hear you,

I am thankful for pain because it assists me in listening, (to you and to the world’s needs)

I am thankful for pain because it humbles me,

I am thankful for pain because it give me strength and resilience,

It shows what I possess inside this body, mind and soul, truly,

I am thankful for pain because it brings truth,

I am grateful for pain mostly because it allows me to truly see you, it makes it difficult for me to judge you.

I am grateful for pain for it liberates heaviness,

I am grateful for pain because it is a vacation from happiness,

I am grateful for pain for it is painful.

[This song is not directly connected to this post, but of course it is a slice of it and I wanted to share it at some point because it soothes me when I feel deep pain]

And this one

Also here, I visit when I am low

You know when that thing happens…?

When you go into the bathroom and it smells bad

but you really really really need to go

and so you go and do your thing (in this instance a normal, plain and simple number 1)

and you feel super relieved, but when you go out you find someone waiting to go in…

and you know in your heart that that person is thinking

” Oh no, she pooped”

do you think…

a.) I should explain

b.) I don’t give a sh*t (pun intended)

c.) “oh no! now they’re going to think I’m that kind of girl” (or guy)

I just laugh, because life is a funny series of events. I’ve come to realise that more and more and more!

My job in this life is to prove nothing.

It is to live and perhaps inspire, ignite and enlighten along the way (as a bonus).

The resilience of Trees

This post is a result of scribblings I made on the back of receipts, bus & train schedules and a random leaflet while at a beautiful music concert where we listened to and supported one of my friends: The Pole Siblings and Idiot Wind with a special treat Tallest Man on Earth. A gathering where I got to meet and speak to the lovely duo of First Aid Kit! Some legendary people that I had wanted to meet since arriving in Sweden. Sweet.

This was during last week’s course with Marko Pogacnik, whose weekly update will follow soon.

[1 May 2012 – 21:09]

We can learn so much from nature; in specific; trees.

Source of Image

This evening I was standing outside during an interval of a small music gathering. I looked around me without much concentration on anything in particular. I noticed a tree, one of a row of trees on a street called Norrtulgatan in Stockholm.

The tree looked young, yet worn out. It looked like it had been abused and been through a lot, like a child that was malnourished for most of it’s existence in this life. It had what looked like large barnacles. On a human, I would say it looked like warts or some sort of leporosy.

This tree was not well, and even then, there was a part of it that was more than just alive but thriving. There were many tiny and beautiful flowers blossoming.

The irony of it was that the blossoming was happening in the direction where I imagine most o the abuse was coming from – the traffic.

Trees and nature speak not.

What I mean by this is that they communicate in a different manner and if we were able to access and use the language necessary to reach them on a deeper level, deeper than merely taking them in with one of our senses – that of sight, we would feel, hear and essentially learn more.

That tree; though battered by a lack of fresh air and by restriction (it’s buried in the ground but it’s most vital part – it’s roots are buried beneath the pavement which is made of concrete and other restricing material); like many human beings, it had been through a lot. It now lives not under the most desireable conditions and yet it continues to do what it does best…

blossom

stand strong

live

clear the air of CO2 *also known as breathing

Maybe like them our best gift to this planet is to do what we do best. To Be. Only that. That just by continuing and living and taking whatever comes our way we are giving the best gift we have. Life.

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We often underestimate our abilities, undermine our capabilities and devalue the role of our existence.

“The way to do is to be” – Lao Tzu

Source of Images:

Wit’s End Blog – Here

Wisdomout.com – Here

Naturkaku Blog – Here