Dear Cape Town – I have a dilemma

Soundtrack Suggestion – Nakhane Toure “Just like heaven”

I’ve been pretty silent of late regarding issues of current affairs. Well, it’s been more that I have been fairly silent on social media.

Towards the end of last year I embarked on what I called #TheGrey Series which was a way of me vomiting out some of the prominent darkness in my system. I had been encountering numerous awful experiences, thoughts and feelings which I was battling to find a space for. So I decided to be pro-active. I found a therapist. Together we began to open up this box. A box that I hadn’t even realised I had tucked away in a dark corner. I was completely surprised by the pain that sat in that box. I was taken aback by what flung out of the box. Bats flew out, gigantic spiders and unidentified creepy crawlies that remain nameless came out as soon as the box was slightly crammed open.

I was overwhelmed. I was in pain, exhausted and felt like I couldn’t breathe.

If I had to give some of these ugly things names, it would go something like this – racism, sexism, injustice, inequality, dishonesty, violence, abuse.

I was suffocating from the inside out. These creatures that had come out were quietly strangling me. It became clear that they needed somewhere to go. It was as though there was no other choice but to let them out. So #TheGrey Series was born.

(#TheGrey Series was meant to be comprised of 10 posts originally shared on facebook. Through the help of a friend based in Denmark we will be transforming this into an accessible format in the form of a zine)

Before I reached the end of #TheGrey Series I encountered an unexpected bright light that felt like a rescue mission. The mental picture is of a geared up concerned someone entering into my insides with a torch, coming to investigate what was there. In so doing bringing the sort of light my dark creatures needed to dissolve and scatter.

This unintentional rescue mission came from my dear friend Terry-Jo Thorne who is the master mind behind a blog titled IDontSpeakMyLanguage. The light came in the form of this beautiful piece she wrote about me (read here).

Funny enough I haven’t posted any more “grey” posts since then. I suppose it speaks to the power of light? This is not to say that the darkness is not still there – however it’s not there in the same way as before. It’s not begging to come out as it was previously.

Following this experience, I am sitting with several big questions that perhaps you could assist with:

  1. How do I engage with the ugly creepy crawlies of the world (some of which are named above) and still remain happy?
  2. Where do I go to release the pain of the ugly realities of the world (also referred to as the creepy crawlies of the world)?
  3. How do I continue to engage with the topics that make so many people’s lives a misery (my own included) without coming across as a bitter “Debbie Downer”?
  4. I owe a large portion of the comfort of my existence to those that came before me who lived uncomfortably so that I may not have to. How do I honour those people (some of whom lost their lives in terrible ways) for my better, improved life?
  5. I have a talent of using my voice. How do I do it in such a way that does not consume my every ounce of energy? I feel so energy drained when I do. I honestly can’t enjoy a drink out with friends in peace, someone just has to walk up to me with some or other comment, question, gripe or high-5!

I’m seriously battling with these questions. I want to be happy. I want to live the best life that I know is possible, and I’m struggling to separate myself from the fight.

There is an inner elder that is whispering to me “Didintle my dear, your best fight and contribution is achieved by simply being yourself in the most authentic way you know how. Trust me, through the painless act of being yourself you are re-creating realities (your own included) and inspiring others with ideas of changes they could make to their own life and therefore the world”.

As much as I value and adore my inner Ouma, any answers to my questions posted above will be greatly appreciated.

At the moment I have almost completely stopped reading news of any kind – because I’ve realised that it helps turn me into a paranoid, self-loathing, people-hating, moaning, distressed, tense, bitter, wide-eyed non-believer in the beauty of the world. These are not good for anybody let alone someone suffering from anxiety!

Help.

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One thought on “Dear Cape Town – I have a dilemma

  1. in Bolivia, i took part in a ceremony called Temezcal, a sweat lodge. this ceremony consisted of four ‘gates’ , one for each element. It is a really intense experience, but sounds like something you could benefit from

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