Very recently I cried myself to sleep. It made me so sad that I had nobody to hold at night. But deeper than that, it was deep dissatisfaction with who I found myself to be. I found myself questioning every single part of myself. My looks, my smell, my hair, my finances, my outlook, my path so far, my eating habits, my hobbies, me everything.
I began to question where I went wrong, why was I not worthy of love? The kind of love I felt I deserved that particular evening.
The sadness I felt that night stayed with me a for a long time to come and it forced me to re-think and re-work some aspects of my life. I wrote a poem which now lives on my wall. It is titled “I am enough” and goes on to detail why I deserve the best and am the best no matter what, whether I have a lover or not. Another favourite discovery was this here quote:
Since then I have lightened up a little and have decided to have a little fun with my predicament. Seriously, the tears of sadness have been replaced with tears of laughter, the kind that roll down your cheek and often result in the contribution towards a 6-pack. Yes. I have been looking at my dating history and laughing at my timeline.
At some point I remember being wooed by a guy who had a pet stuffed parrot. Yes, a PET, STUFFED, PARROT. This guy proceeded to romance me with evening phonecalls where he would proudly divulge that he was reading articles about cadavers… this did little to quieten my suspicions that I might soon be turned into a real life cadaver that would reside in a freezer in some basement that “he knew nothing about”. The thing with me is that I love uniform, he was a marine. A marine who sailed with a STUFFED PET PARROT perched on his shoulder. I think no.
Then there are the numerous times I have found myself in the friendzone dumping ground, I have done some market research and have subsequently discovered that the main reason behind this, is that I am TOO NICE. Please re-read that sentence and once you have made sense of it explain it to me.
I have since taken stock of this diagnosis of friendzone by too-niceness to heart and have taken some time away from Cape Town where I spent days in the highveld sun reading “Why men marry bitches” a book that was not particularly well written but quenched my thirst for understanding what exactly it was about my nice-girl attitude and way of being that made me a friend zone ragdoll. After pages of what seemed like strange advice, I get it. Be aloof, get a man. Pay no attention they will come running.
I haven’t managed to put this into action, if anything I have a sealed envelope beside me which I plan on dropping off at a friends place on my way home, a friend who might be a little minor crush, I’m not telling.
The problem is that I like who I am, I like that I write people notes and hand written letters and drop them off. I like creating experiences that make people go “wow”, I like being nice.
Given this finding I have decided to start a project. This project is going to be undertaken by my alterego – little miss-match. Let’s call it a social experiment called 7evendays 7evendates.
You will meet her soon enough. She is busy fixing her outfit and preparing her profile image. She is somewhat of a character. The project itself will have you glued to the blog. Just watch.
There is more where these misadventures come from including drunk dialling my crush who I subsequently refused to kiss…(more on this later), a marriage proposal to James Blake and much more.
This piece is meant to quench a mini thirst…