These past few weeks following Initiative Forum have been rather difficult. More than expected. I imagined that after such a climax of emotions, thoughts, conversations, ideas and connection, anything less than that would leave some sort of a void.
At first I was simply physically tired, having exhausted myself, and then it was physical exhaustion coupled with an emotional disconnect with the people around me, and then I lost a family member and sunk pretty low, and now I have reached the most extreme stage of what I call my “Post-IF crisis”
Symptoms of this syndrome include:
Excessive eating (almost as though attempting to fill some unfillable hole or gap)
Attempting to escape the rawness of reality and my emotions (by diving into movies, trashy American television.)
Sleeping (to a point of causing fatigue and lack of motivation)
Lack of motivation – due to sleeping (one of those chicken or egg situations)
At this point I am feeling overloaded, full and unable to give any more of myself. More than unable, I feel unwilling. I don’t want to give. I don’t want to give of my time, my space, my love, my attention, my listening ear, my affection, my anything really. I don’t care. I don’t want to care anymore. I am tired of caring. I don’t want to understand any longer. I don’t want to listen. I am tired of listening. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to share. I want my own physical space where I can cry, be angry, do nothing, do something without worrying about how it affects those around me.
I am tired of myself. Tired of myself in this group. There are so many versions (or mirrors) or myself walking around me constantly. Like a reminder of how inescapable our own way of being is. I am constantly staring at myself by looking at everyone here. Everyone here has a part of my way of being. Some more than others.
I am exhausted.
I know I should take time to take care of myself and be with myself and sit with this instead of ignoring it or pushing it aside, but I struggle to put me first. To love myself. To forgive myself. To let myself be. I need time away. But I have responsibilities of attending class. On the other hand I have a bigger responsibility to myself to give myself what I need in order to continue better. In a more balanced and healthy way.
This ties in with what I spoke of at the end of my post about last weeks course which can be found here – Sustainability and Sustainable Lifestyles. That in order for me to be able to give my best, do my best and be my best in a sustainable way I need to recognise when I have reached my limit and allow myself to be tired or angry or whatever it is that is needed in order to reach that. Only then can I give my best to anything and anyone.
I spoke to Matt (McMatre) last night and what really stuck out from our conversation was that I need to be gentle with myself. I need to stop judging myself so much.
Here is my favourite one of his tracks and also my lullaby these days since Initiative Forum – One Destination On Matre Music Enjoy…
I found this quite some time ago. Perhaps I am sinking, deep, hard, painfully in order to rise and learn how to do, be, give better.