The darkness is really kicking my soul’s ass.
It’s getting a real bashing. To a point that I sometimes don’t even feel like I can get up and face the world and so I just stay in bed and I don’t.
Eventually I will scrape myself off of the floor and I will bounce back.
I always do. I’m good at it. Feeling sorry for myself irritates me deeply.
Given my current state I couldn’t help but wonder what exactly it would take to make this slightly easier and to make the coming months easier on myself.
And I identified Love as one of the potions that could quite possibly be of help.
Not the mother kind of love, nor the ”you’re such an awesome friend” kind either, nor is it the ‘khumbaya” kind . I have enough of these. Thanks.
The kind I want is the “you’re so beautiful I want to stare at you for hours” kind, the “I would love to cook for you” kind, the “I want to kiss you kind”, the “you’re such an awesome girlfriend and lover” type of loving.
Yes. There. I said it. (My ego is shaking it’s head in disapproval and giving me a disappointed look right now, but you know what, I don’t care, it’s going to have to take a back seat on this one, in fact I’m stuffing it in the boot!)
I suppose it’s been a long time coming.
I have just come out of a year or so of no relationships.
An exploration of myself.
And of solitude in that sense.
And now that I am ready and open to relationships I have a mish mash of the following responses and feelings:
– I’m FREE!! (and all that madness that comes with that excited feeling, as though I wasn’t free all along. Seriously I’m rolling my eyes at myself)
-I need sex (but I don’t want to open the door to gross feelings and creatures that come with random hookups)
-I want someone (that I like and that I find attractive too, without being desperate about it nor too “picky” – I hate the word picky, but that shall be a post for another day…)
-Dating, oh dear (the entire concept is a setup which I will elaborate below)
We have such unreal expectations of this aspect of things that I don’t even know where to start with my challenges. I suspect that most of my distaste comes from my insecurity of re-entering this scary place. I mean I used to be rather comfortable with the dating scene and the sequence of it all. But now that I’m back in the game I’m realising more and more what a GAME it is.
Guy gets girls number, girl pretends not to care, guy pretends he isn’t thinking about her and so calls a couple of days after the acquisition of the number (I believe the socially accepted number of days is 3), girl waits like a banana peel for the phone call, guy eventually calls girl, girl answers, girls pretends not to be excited about call when in fact she is, guy asks her out for a drink or a meal or to “hang out” (apparently all of these different things indicate the level of interest or calibre of relationship guy is after),GOSH, guy meets girl or picks girl up (again, apparently these also sway interest of girl), girl and guy go for drink (and proceed to judge each other according to the beverage being gulped down or sipped) whilst talking to each other and supposedly “getting to know” each other, guy and girl are both in actual fact peeling the onion, layer by layer they uncover each other, most times guy really is mostly interested in the sex, so the more liquor you consume the closer he feels he is getting to that sweet spot and the easier the onion is to peel, girl really wants to know how serious guy is and how much potential he has to be her man, everything from current earning bracket and potential earning bracket to his readiness for a committed relationship is being assessed, don’t be fooled guy and girl are sitting across from each other and judging picking the heck out of each other.
is being looked at, chipped nail polish, state of toe nails, fragrance and natural scent, pulling out of chairs and opening of doors, condition of hair and table etiquette.
I don’t know about you, but all of what I just mentioned, gave me a semi-panic attack. Is it even realistic to expect people to show their real selves under such circumstances?!
Sitting there across from each other with mental scrapbook in hand which is made up of dating rules and tips from single friends, Cosmopolitan, married friends, Dear Sis Dolly, messed up friends, ASKmen.com, Dating sites, parents, Hollywood, Sex & the City, Star sign compatibility reports, “he’s just not that into you”, “Act like a lady, think like a man”…
How do I drown out the sounds and hear my own voice which, when trusted, is pretty capable of navigating me through even the toughest date?
It doesn’t end there with the noise, there is the noise of past experiences too, which brings it’s own flavour.
Deep scars and tall walls that have been built.
Regardless of all of the scaryness of the reality of the dating scene, I remain optimistic. Sweden is no place to be single, not in this cold and amidst the early setting sun. No.
Similar to a child who has lots of pent-up energy from a long car ride, unleashed onto a beach full of sand with bucket and space in hand. The happiness that can come about!
I have a lot of warmth, love, attention and home-cooked meals to churn out. This heart is big and ready to give and receive. But not to just anyone, to someone worthy of it.
I don’t want anything to do with games and setups. I don’t do well under such.
But I can tell you this, I will listen to my distant, long silent dating voice and when I’m ready to listen well all things shall fall into place as they always do.
For now I’ll be snuggling up to my cushions and hoping I find a way to leave my bed and cushions and participate in life outside my bedroom. In light and in darkness. Happily and presently!