A sneak peek into my constitution

Sometimes I think about my terrible upkeep of this blog and begin to try and disentangle my memories into chronological experiences and moments to share on here.

I’ve gotten too entangled and am unable to undo the knots.

So here are some thoughts, learnings, feelings I have experienced deeply in the last few days.

I may not have a real moustache attached to my upper lip but I sure can shake up a moustache party! 

There is some sort of magic that follows me and surrounds me. Always.

The below statement can be such a dangerous and mis-leading statement. People have a choice not to love you back. Sometimes the best thing to do is to “give up” and walk away from that someone you can’t stop thinking about. We have been fed such unrealistic notions throughout our existence. 

I can always use my laundry situation to uncover my internal state and the way in which I deal with difficult issues in my life. I let them pile up until there is no choice but to deal with them because it becomes impossible to continue without sorting it out. Alternatively, I tend to stuff dirty laundry in some dark corner somewhere, where I can’t see it and don’t have to     acknowledge it. Until, a situation arises and I need to wear that item and end up wishing I had just washed it earlier.

I have been struggling heavily with the topic of indigenous people and the role the rest of the world’s people play in the way we view them and their lifestyle as well as our role in damaging what they have and spoiling their future. I am not sure that our modern idea of “development” truly develops all people and situations. Perhaps we have created the concept in order for us to feel okay with the mess that we have created and the upheaval we have inflicted upon countless tribes and people. The grey area is a painful, difficult place to live. 

Here is some interesting reading that may offer you better insight on what I speak of and feel

There is a strange beauty in vulnerability and showing it and allowing yourself the privilege to live in that humanness, of falling apart.

Following a number of intense conversations and moments I have drawn the conclusion that we all possess a level of this phenomenon…

I have realised that whenever I encounter new people, I feel like I am meeting them for a particular reason on my life path. And this sometimes causes me to give so much of myself causing exhaustion. I need to learn how to place complete trust in the flow of life. The only way I am ever going to know what someone means to me or what I mean to them is by living through it and then looking back. The same applies to opportunities that come my way.

It’s becoming more and more apparent that we have been programmed to want what they want us to want. 

My mind is blown at the heavy importance of sunlight and weather conditions on my soul and of it’s effects on others around me too.

Lately I have been spiralling myself (in a bipolar sort of way) in and out of a space of doubt. Doubting my capabilities, doubting my impact on my surrounds and on people around me, doubting my actions and my intentions. Just general doubt.

And then every now and again, I step out of that thought/feeling process and realise that you know what? Actually, I can.

I love this picture. But I think more than that I love what it symbolises. That women are in control of that department – that of Love. I’m not sure how true that is. These days I have been going back and forth on the reality of who is actually in charge and more and more increasingly I am leaning towards believing that men control it all. They chase us. They decide if they want us or not and then only then do we decide if we want them. I know that “times have changed” and women can now do the chasing, but I still think men hold a lot of the power leading up to the crux – commitment and agreements that hold you 2 together.

This YIP (International Youth Initiative program) experience has really challenged me on so many levels. It has turned me inside out, upside down and has brought me face to face what I never ever thought I would face. It reminds me that we are on a constant path of creation.

I have an all-inclusive way of being, and way of thinking (in terms of accommodating alternative thoughts, people, ways of doing things as well as belief-systems) and so it often causes me to live in the grey area. Partly in safety, and partly because I genuinely believe that people are free to believe and do whatever they want. Recently I have been witness to a situation involving 3 people I care about and love and in the unfolding of the story I was very able to see and understand each perspective and explanation for their actions. But then I realised after one conversation that although I may understand where they are all coming from, and although I may empathise with it. When someone is harmed due to your actions (or lack thereof) something is right and the other is wrong. I need to remember that although the grey area exists, it exists because there is black and white. It is okay to agree and disagree. There is also right and there is wrong. How do I embrace each person’s experience/learning/feeling and still differentiate right from wrong?

That is still to be worked out. But for now. Here is an example of something that is CLEARLY wrong to me: Child Models.

:If right exists, then surely wrong too exists::


4 thoughts on “A sneak peek into my constitution

  1. Nola Van Der Worp Said “Thank you sweetheart .. I can see your journey is not just a physical one in distances .. its a journey deep into yourself … and into the conditioning plus conditions .. of others … look after yourself Didi .. every now and then take yourself into a quiet place, close your eyes and think of all the people at home who love you … gotta charge your batteries my angel:) xx

  2. Thandeka Steenkamp Said “i miss u soooo much too. love ur blog coz even tho u arnt here to share ur words of wisdom i get them anyway…u still inspire me more than eva and i love u sooo much….i hope ur having the best time of your life coz u deserve nothing less and as much as i want u back here i want u to be where u need to be doing amazing things…..keep having an amazing time and maybe we will c each other sooner than we think….♥

  3. I just love this post so much! It felt a bit like my mind written for me!
    Love this= “There is some sort of magic that follows me and surrounds me. Always.”
    I think that I am totally agreed with you on the topic of “development”. I don’t think much that many people do today really truly develops people and environments for a much better future… at times it feels as though we make things worse… its sad.
    Through the very few years of my life I have come to value the secret type of power that vulnerability has… I see it more and more as a strength rather than a weakness that the world keeps telling us it is. Sometimes people need to see the soft vulnerable parts of you to really know you and understand you… and most times its about loving yourself enough to really feel what lies deep inside before being able to understand it fully…
    Doubt…. usually comes from a fear of something… Fear of your own greatness perhaps?
    I think that the grey area is the best place to be, even though it isn’t the easiest place to be… In my opinion there isn’t a right or a wrong… there are just events that take place… what is right for one person isn’t always right for another… but that is the meaning of experiencing this life… we all have our own truth, our own rights and wrongs and because we see life differently from others, our rights and wrongs are not the same as another’s rights and wrongs… the grey area kind of says- to me anyway- that both/all points are right in their own perspective, and in the grander picture of it all, all is exactly how it is meant to be…
    Like you life has caused you to believe that child models is so wrong… another’s life experience has caused them to believe it to be right… I think that you are both right in your own perspective because you are speaking of the truth your life has caused you to believe.. and i think everyone is entitled to their own truth…, no?
    You make me think! I love it! Hugs! HUGS!

  4. Pingback: Shil Rani's Blog !

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